| | So, I am going to Humber; now I just need a place to live. I applied for residence, which would be good if I got in, because it would be on campus and cheaper then an apartment. However the downside is that I probably would be living with 18 year olds who may ask me to buy them beer. I would feel kind of like a creepier; a 22 year old living with 18 year old freshmen; kind of like that guy in Superbad who invites Michael Cera, and Jonah Hill to that party. I could look for an apartment, well I have been, but I haven't found a nice one that suits my price range. I also havent't saved as much money as I would have liked for Janurary, which is my own fault, but I am sure I will make it through. The thought of going away excites and depresses me; I am excited because I finally get to move away from home, (sort of) live on my own, and be in a program that I think I will do well in. Even if I don't make a career out of it, I am still pumped to be in it. However, I am depressed; depressed because I am leaving Sudbury behind; although I don't really have anything here, it kind of bums me out. I am also bummed out because I am leaving my job; my job that over the last two years I have bitched and complained about, but over the last 6 months really began to love. It's like I have created a family away from my family; and now I am leaving both. I am sad I won't be cooking professionally anymore. I say professionally because even though I know I am not a 'chef', I have come to realize that I am pretty damn great I would I do, and to stop doing that kind of seems frusterating. It's like working at a company and being executive V.P., with the possibility of being President one day, and then just leaving. It is funny too because Humber has a Culinary Arts program which I would love to check out; to see what they learn, and where there skills are at and to see how I compare to them, but that just isn't a good idea. Cooking is not a career or lifestyle I could sustain for the rest of my life. I did it for two years and loved it, but now I guess I have to move on. I hate moving on. I am not really good at in. Even in my current relationships I still haven't really let go, and move on in the traditional sense. That also kind of freaks me out; leaving the few people I still am close to in Sudbury behind. I don't know how to deal with that. I have never, dealt with any kind of loss, not that leaving friends and family behind in a different city is the same as lossing someone to death, but in my melodramtic mind, it also feels the same. The big ball of nerves that is my body thats me thinking of the worst possible situations that could happen when I move away; which I am sure is normal, and I'm not the only person who has felt this way, but it still sucks. I think of the worst possible scenerio that could happen with my girlfriend if I move, or the worst possible scenerio that could happen if I get a crumpy apartment and what not. I just don't want to be alone. In Season 1 of Mad Men, at the end of the final episode, the main character Don Draper comes home to an empty house; his wife and kids have left him to go to his wifes fathers house. She suspects him of cheating; she is right. He slumps on the stairs, his face craddled in his hands and sighs. Cue in 'Don't Think Twice it's Alright'. To me that is one of the saddest scenes I have watched in a while. Perhaps it was because that song resonates with me (I once told someone I wanted it to be my wedding song, quickly realizing that was stupid, but none-the-less, I still love it), or perhaps it is because I love Mad Men, or perhaps it's because I sort of feel like Draper does in; alone in a way. It's silly because I am really not, it just feels that way. Or maybe that song resonates with me because I am excited to go see Dylan in a couple weeks; or at least that's what I hope |
